Letters Of A Silent Voice
by MissMoonlightdancer
Summary: A letter Hotsuma writes on the evening before he attempts to commit suicide...


**Hello there!**

**There's not much I can say to this story.**

** It's kind of deperssing I guess.**

**I thought of a letter Hotsuma would write to Nobody on the evening before he attempts to commit suicide.**

**Please enjoy^^  
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**Disclaimer: I don't own Uragiri wa boku no namae wo shitteiru.**

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><p>It's raining outside.<p>

Oh damn, what a crappy way of starting a letter… Just to get things straight, I've never written a letter before. Why writing something if you could speak it out loudly? But I guess in my case, no one will listen anymore, so I'll try writing it down… Oh jeez, it feels like talking to a piece of paper… to somebody who may find and read this stuff when I'm... done tomorrow. …

It's raining.

I said so already, I know, don't piss me off already. Take a look outside, in case you have a window or so.

Maybe at your place, it doesn't.

...

I reckon you wanna know who I am now, writing this bullshit down and wanting someone to read it sometime, maybe even soon. You wanna know my name or maybe my age or even my looks. No offense, but I won't tell you.

I look alright, nothing special, but not too average either. Telling you my name won't make any sense, because tomorrow, they'll start forgetting it already, pushing it somewhere to the back of their dumb brains. And I'm old enough to write this crazy stuff. I'm old enough to decide on writing this crazy stuff. And I'm damn old enough to do what causes me to write this crazy stuff.

I hope that is enough information for you.

Now you wanna know why I'm writing this letter, right? I hope you can even read it. I'm honest; I really have a shitty handwriting. I never thought of practicing much, ya know? Maybe you've sensed already, what I'm gonna tell you, I don't know. I'll tell you a bit more about me. I'm positive you'll get what I'm talking about in no time.

...

You know, I never really wondered why they hated me.

I never knew any different.

That was my life, I was alone. There was no reason. The people around me had decided on hating me long ago and never mind what I did, it never changed anything. So I stopped doing something about it. I was better off without them, anyway. And I still had my family, so why worrying?

Don't get me wrong. I loved my parents. As much as a stupid little brat can do. I pissed them off, I looked up to them, I annoyed them, I respected them; they were my parents for god's sake!

Of course I loved them.

And I loved my brother.

But why did no one ever tell me….

Oh shit, forget it.

Tell me…

...

…Did you ever think about running away?

Leaving in the middle of the night? Probably. Everyone wants to leave at some point, when life sucks at the time or something, but only few have actually the guts to go.

I know what I'm talking about.

Honestly, I thought about it. Really, even for a pretty long time. I planned everything. I knew where I'd go. I even knew when I'd come back. But in the end, I stayed. And yet, I ran away. To a place no one can follow me. Sounds weird, right? Weird and sappy.

...Have you ever played video games?

I mean _really_ played video games? At night, when everyone's asleep, you're still up under your blanket, staring at the screen of your Nintendo DS or PSP or you're sitting in front of your computer or you're laying on your stomach, looking up to the TV, the controller clenched in your hands. Playing and playing, forgetting to eat, forgetting to sleep, forgetting the damn school starting in a few meaningless hours.

Have you ever done so?

Do you know how it feels like to live the life of someone else?

The life of a hero, a soldier, a wizard, a thief, a monster hunter, a zombie killer, a vampire, a knight or a badass?

I don't know how many hours and days and years I spent playing video games. Life's easy when you only have to hammer down on some funny looking buttons.

But now, it's not enough anymore.

Or rather, it doesn't help anymore.

At least not me.

...

Ok, back to my story.

I'll hurry, so don't fall asleep, ya hear me? Or I'll beat the crap outta you and believe me, it wouldn't be the first time me doing so. Well, I said that I loved my parents, right? And I'm actually not the one to eavesdrop on others, especially if I'm some part of the topic. When I want to know what others think of me, I usually only have to look at them and it's clear.

But at that day…

I came home a little early. I don't know anymore, why, I guess I skipped classes or so. I noticed my parents talking in the living room, so I just wanted to disappear upstairs and, dunno, sit down on my bed and start playing video games again. But then I heard my name. Oh my god, this sounds like a crappy drama novel…

But hey, what I'm writing now is true.

Every word.

Every thought.

I heard my name… and my mum's voice.

She said that she's afraid of me.

She said that she can't stand it… _me_ anymore.

I still remember how mad she has sounded as she has said that.

That she only waits for the moment… I'd… kill…

...

Listen, I know that I'm not…

Jeez, I let things… weird things happen and I don't know, how. I'm saying something and it happens and I don't know how the hell I've done that. But my parents always freak out when I'm doing that.

The kids in the neighborhood start whispering behind their backs and at night, they're throwing stones against my window. But maybe it's only me hearing it. I tried to stop doing these weird things. Even if it felt strangely bad inside, hiding it, I can't really explain.

But I didn't want my parents to start hating me, too.

So I tried.

I tried.

Really.

I tried…

I thought my mum knew that.

But then again, she has said on that afternoon that she doesn't want me anymore. She can't live anymore together with me in the same house. She said she wanted to give me away.

And I got scared.

And angry.

And so damn scared.

And here I am.

...

It's still raining outside.

I wonder if the sun will shine tomorrow.

I wonder who will shed a tear. Only one… I'm not asking for more…

I've never had that much of a great life or a funny life and I never cared.

But there's one thing I feel sorry for.

It's for leaving someone really special behind.

...

And even though I know that you won't ever read this, the last part is for you. You know that I'm talking to you, right? Take a look over your shoulder. There's no one standing. You're alone. Or at least I hope so. You always like playing the piano when no one's listening.

I was the only one you allowed to stay.

I know that I was never the ideal best friend. Fuckin' hell, I was the complete opposite of that.

But you never mentioned it.

You never mentioned me coming to your house after midnight, soaking and asking you if I'm still alive.

You never mentioned my parents. You rather made me forget about them…

You never mentioned the fire, you know. I often wondered why you didn't.

But thanks for that.

And not only that, really.

The worst thing about tomorrow is... that I will leave you here. I know that you don't have the greatest parents either.

But at least you're not a damn murderer.

And really, don't ever kill someone as long as you can avoid it. Life sucks after that.

...

Oh holy crap, now it gets difficult. Most of the words I'm gonna write down in the next few minutes are some I've never even spoken out loudly before… I wonder if I can spell all of them…

Just don't mind, ok?

Hey, I never tried staying in other people's memories. Usually they kept me caught there as someone who is rather a monster than a boy.

But there's one person I want to remember me.

The_ Me_ that no one ever saw, ya know what I wanna get across?

Will _you_ remember me? Will you be the only one…?

I'm not asking for a remembrance. I'm not even asking you to think about me in a few years, when you move out from home and, dunno, live a totally different life from all those other idiots here.

Just… tomorrow, I want you to be the last person I see before I'm leaving.

Even if it's selfish…

So_… please_… remember me as your maybe-best-friend. I don't even know if I am. I never asked you.

Miss me just a little tiny bit. Not more because I don't want you to… to hurt because of me. I'm not worth that much.

My friend, I wanna be honest.

One last time.

I want to take you with me so badly; it pains me to death (tomorrow anyway). Just the thought of being the one who leaves you in this hell…

Because I guess where I'm going, someone just a little tiny bit like you is impossible to find.

Especially for someone like me.

I hope you'll find one to help you fix your heart again. I'm sorry for the crack I might cause tomorrow. I'll try to keep it as little as I can.

Promise.

Help me, ok?

...

…The only thing I'm afraid of now…

Of being alone again.

And you being alone, even when you aren't.

I want to take you with me.

To a place far, far away from here.

But I wouldn't, even if I could (I could really, by the way…).

But even though I'm selfish, I'm not so sick already, wanting you to leave, too.

Because your life will heal again, ya know? I'm positive.

Someday… probably…

I reckon there's still something left here in this world for you. For someone like you, there's always something left. Although right now, you can't see it yet.

My friend…

I'll watch you from wherever I'm going, I will, no matter what happens.

My friend…

I'm scared.

Does it hurt?

Are you hurting more?

My friend…

Thank you for… being there.

For always being there.

For just being there.

That's more than I received from most people during my whole crappy shit called life.

For maybe-loving-me. I don't know if you did. We're friends. I never asked. (Sorry for the sappiness).

I bet tomorrow the sun will shine. That's alright. Fire burns better, then. Brighter. And warmer.

My friend…

You are the best man I've ever known. And I guess you're the only one I've ever really known.

I'll miss you.

Not just a little tiny bit.

I'll miss you as long as I'll be alone.

Which means forever.

You know that, right?

I want to remember you. I will. I'll try. It's a promise (yet another one… probably the last)

And because I never told you and I won't ever because I don't know how, I'll write it down.

I-Love-You.

I spelled it right, didn't I?

Don't forget it, ok? And hell, don't mention it to anyone! Or I'll come back and kick your ass!

Just kidding.

…No, even if you could, I wouldn't come back.

I don't know the way.

The way back to you.

And this is it.

Dear friend…

It's cold outside.

It's cold inside.

It's still raining.

Can you see the sky?

You're looking out of your window right now, right? Your fingers are moving over the keys.

I always loved your window.

I loved the stars I could see from there.

And I loved hearing the music I could listen to from there.

I love the one I could see when I turned around.

Dear friend…

It's still raining…

.

.

.

.

.

.

_PS:_

_One last request, ok?_

_Please take care of my brother._

_Tell him... that you knew his older brother._

_And..._

_Tell him that his older brother is watching him. _

_From above the clouds._

_Through the rain._

_Through the drops._

_Where the sun is shining._

_Tell him that I'm happy._

Dear friend...

Goodbye.

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><p><strong>The End.<strong>

**I hope you liked it.**

**Please Review! =D  
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**See ya!**

**Maybe there will be a second part, a letter from Shusei to XXX, I'm not sure about the person yet.**

**Tell me please if you want a second part!**_  
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